My Journey: Anxiety, Depression and a Good God

Change ruined my life. Then again, maybe it showed me the meaning of faith. Whatever the case, its impact was much more drastic than I could have imagined.

Many people know me as the good girl who blogs and inspires others. Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not that girl.

Yes, I have a blog. And, yes, I would like to think that my writing inspires people. But that is not who I am.

Identity is a funny thing. Even as a Christian young woman, I often look to myself for purpose.

Here I am, about to tell you the story of how God dramatically changed my life. Rather than doing things the easy way, He used change, fear and darkness to reveal my need for a Savior outside of myself.

My name is Kayla. And this is my journey.

In December of 2017, my family was asked to take in two little girls. It was a big decision that required thought, discussion, and a whole lot of prayer.

When January rolled around, we decided to bring these girls into our family, to love them and give them a home. It was an incredible shift, but we believed that God had lead us to that point.

As someone who had dealt with minor anxiety before, I started having trouble processing things. Change was a trigger and my symptoms increased.

Counseling was the best option and I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder, as well as anxiety with symptoms of depression.

Things were dark for a while. I cried every day. I didn’t want to get out of bed. Things I once enjoyed couldn’t cheer me up. I felt alone despite the fact that my family and friends surrounded me with love.

I started to believe that God had abandoned me, leaving me to drown in a downward spiral of hopelessness.

But my story didn’t end there.

Over a long period of time, I gradually started to get better. I asked my doctor for medication to help with the anxiety/depression and continued in counseling.

Passages of Scripture like Romans 8:18, Psalm 91, and John 10 were and are my go-to truths.

My family never left my side. They were the ones who spoke truth over me when I could only tell myself lies.

The question that lingered in my mind was this: If God is so good, where is He when I need Him most?

With the help of my family, friends, and pastors, I learned that darkness cannot drown out the light of Christ.

When I was too exhausted from crying, not eating, and insomnia, God sustained me. When I doubted God’s existence and goodness, He sent people to pray promises over me. My best friend was at her weakest and God used my experience to guide her through it.

I am still on medication and I still have my rough times, but God’s goodness never fails. Faith isn’t feeling. While we may not feel like God is faithful, faith tells us that He is.

Just because all we can see is darkness doesn’t mean the light isn’t there. Maybe we’re just facing the wrong way.

If you or someone you know is suffering from mental illness, don’t wait to get help. Contact a mental health specialist and/or call the suicide help line at (800) 273-TALK (8255).